Things Eroica Characters Would Never Say
By Margaret Price
& Others
oOo
Dorian: Do you love me, Klaus?
Klaus: Yes.
Dorian: Really?
Klaus: No. I’m just saying that to get sex.
Dorian: Pervert!
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Dorian: I’m bored.
Klaus: *groan*
Dorian: You’re no fun any more.
Klaus: Oh, yeah! *pounces Dorian and rides him like a champion Thoroughbred*
Dorian: Works every time.
oOo
FIRST TIME IN BED
Dorian: Oh. You’re so...small.
oOo
Dorian: That was...disappointing.
oOo
Klaus: ZZzzzzz
oOo
Dorian: Forget it. I’ve changed my mind.
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SOME ONE LINERS
Dorian: I’m thinking of having a sex change...
oOo
Klaus: I don’t know what to do. Will someone help me with this, please?
oOo
Klaus: Which of these earrings goes with this outfit?
oOo
Klaus: This hair is driving me crazy. I’m getting a buzz cut ASAP.
oOo
Dorian: Women really aren’t so bad.
oOo
Bonham: I love you, Uncle NATO.
oOo
James: Money is no object.
oOo
Agent A: Fuck off, Major.
oOo
Agent G: I’m sick of dresses and makeup. I’m going back to suits and ties.
oOo
Alphabets: We’d LOVE to go to Alaska.
oOo
Mischa: I’m defecting.
oOo
Klaus: I’m defecting.
oOo
Dorian: Wow, that woman is stacked!
oOo
Klaus: I’m retiring and moving to Alaska.
oOo
Mischa: Polar Bear and I are engaged.
oOo
A: No, Major, I’m going home early.
oOo
Chief: Major, I’ve recommended you for a promotion.
oOo
Z: NATO sucks. I’m taking up flower arranging.
oOo
Butler: Klaus, I’m your father.
oOo
SISTER EROICA
Dorian: *arrives dressed as a nun* I’ve learned your weakness, Major. I’m Sister Eroica.
Klaus: That’s creepy.
Dorian: But I brought you fried potatoes.
Klaus: Why didn’t you say so? I love fried potatoes. *consumes mass quantities*
Dorian: Now, let’s have sex.
Klaus: Okay.
Dorian: ...!
Klaus: Don’t take the habit off.
Dorian: That’s creepy!
o
(From The Reverand)
Klaus: Er... do you think we could have sex while eating the fried potatoes?
Sister Eroica: Well now you’re just being silly.
o
(From Avendasora)
Dorian: Naughty boy! Fried potatoes don’t go THERE!
Klaus: Real Germans put potatoes ANYWHERE.
o
(Back to Margaret Price)
Klaus: Now I have heartburn.
Dorian: Let me kiss it, make it better.
Klaus: Lower. And don’t kiss. Suck.
Dorian: Oh, Major...
Klaus: Thank you, Sister.
oOo
KLAUS ON THE INTERNET:
- Surfs the net reading porn all day.
- Wastes time in chat rooms.
- Checks out local dating sites
- Discovers web site devoted to “that curly-haired son-of-a-bitch” and spams message board.
oOo
VERY SHORT STORIES
Klaus: I’m getting married.
Dorian: *growl* Who’s the lucky girl?
Klaus: G
Dorian: ...!
oOo
Klaus: Nice dress, G.
G: ...! Erm, thank you, Major.
Klaus: You think they’ll have it in my size?
G: *Has immediate mental breakdown*
Klaus: heh, heh. That’s him taken care of.
oOo
(For Esther)
Dorian: You’re not even sweating in all this heat.
Klaus: Heat and cold are a matter of discipline.
*Dorian leaves after snark attack*
Klaus: About bloody time! A, turn on the air conditioning. I’m dying here.
oOo
Klaus: That’s your problem. You’ve wasted all your time on pretty boys who don’t know any better.
Dorian: What’s that supposed to mean?
Klaus: You’re not that good.
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(For Lisa)
Papa Eberbach: Klaus, I’m getting married. I’d like you to meet Lady Gloria.
Lady Gloria: Oh, I have a daughter your age...
Klaus: I’m gonna go kill myself now.
oOo
Dorian: Of course I’m telling the truth. Would I lie to you?
Klaus: In a heartbeat.
oOo
Klaus: I need a hug.
Dorian: Here, let me.
Klaus: *purrs*
oOo
By Avendasora
James: That was worth every penny, and I’d pay twice the price to do it all over again.
oOo
By The Reverand
Bonham: Pardon me, My Lord, but wouldn’t it be a splendid day to visit the Major? I have missed him so!
oOo
Z (to the Major): Get it yourself.
oOo
Dorian: Really, Major, put your pants back on.
oOo
Klaus: Oh, snap.
oOo
Mischa: Phooey! Foiled again!
Comrade: Don’t you mean, “Curses! Foiled again!”?
Mischa: Please, Comrade. This is kiddie show.
oOo
Comrade: Comrade Mischa, is Major you said you killed in previous episode!
Mischa: Look, it’s his book. If he wants to be hard to kill, let him.
oOo
By Esther
Klaus: I feel like wearing pink today!
oOo
Dorian: Long hair is so unsightly. I prefer my hair cropped short.
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James (to the Earl): Of course you should buy that pair of shoes. You can never have enough shoes ₤ 100 matter? Money is no object!
oOo
Z (to the Major): No.
oOo
By Camilla
Klaus: Oh Dorian, you look absoloutely fabulous in that dress.
oOo
Dorian: Please explain the difference between the Luger and Beretta pistols again. I really want to know. Really.
oOo
Dorian: I am becoming a monk.
oOo
Dorian: What do you want for Christmas, darling?
Klaus: The newest James Bond video game would be fun.
oOo
Klaus: Z is doing what to earn some extra money?!
Dorian: *glee*
oOo
Z: I love you, Dorian.
oOo
Klaus: I’ve had these strange dreams recently...
Dorian: Oh? About what, darling?
Klaus: They involved handcuffs and a whip.
Dorian: *dies*
Klaus: ...Must be prophetic.
Dorian: *dies once again*
oOo